It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Life’s been lifeing, my job has required extra attention, my kids have been needing extra attention, I’ve felt additional stress over a life decision, we’ve had to cancel some plans for reasons which is making me feel isolated, and on top of everything the weather has been temperamental or just gray. 

We’ve all been here. It feels like you’re holding the weight of the world on your shoulders. I want to talk about what this time period looks like for me and how I work through it. It’s never easy to work through and kids just add a whole other layer of difficulty. I feel like I’ve been dealing with these kind of weeks off and on since the beginning of my adulthood.  

Before we had kids, it was easier to take a mental health day. I could take the day off and do whatever I needed to get my head on straight. Now I have tiny humans that need things like food and school and...and...and...there is no longer time just to myself. 

While I was growing up adults would say things like don’t hurry to grow up, but I don’t remember anyone going into detail beyond that statement. And the current eduction system does not prepare you for adulthood let alone running a household.  

I remember the first time I watched, “Pride and Prejudice” as a parent - it struck me how little we’ve moved forward (in some ways). The woman’s duties, running the household, doing mental gymnastics for their children, making sure they had the best education, they’re learning socially acceptable behaviors, making sure they are mingling with the right people, and don’t get me started on the household duties. Now the biggest difference between now and that era is they had servants. I am not suggesting that we go back to having servants but I’d love to have enough money so I could pay someone to clean my house, watch my kids once a week, cook my meals, go to the grocery store, etc.  I know I can pay someone to do all of those things for me but the reality is I just can’t afford them. 

It’s all exhausting both mentally and emotionally, and now we have social media at our fingertips telling us how our home should look, how we should be parenting, how life would be easier if we just wrote down a fucking meal plan. I get it Barbara, I’m not adulting the right way.

This is why parents are burned out we have so many expectations put on us it’s suffocating.  There are two things I’m going to suggest to get out of burn out or whatever rut you feel like you’re in.  My big two are self-care and taking it slow, one day, one hour, one minute at a time.  Give yourself the grace and space to get through whatever you’re working through. 

Self-care: I heard your eye’s rolling. Wait! don’t click away, this is NOT going to be your typical self care post.  I promise.  

Remember, we don’t have money and what we do have we’re trying to save.  So I’ve had to get creative with my self-care. And NO I am not going to tell you to take a bath, so stay with me. 

There are a couple of different categories that I’m going to split my self-care suggestions into. 1) Free: things you may already have in your house and short things that you can do within the chaos of life. 2) Cheap: small ways to treat yourself. 3) treats for when you have a little extra time and $$.

1) Free: 

• Find yourself something to listen to on your phone. Sometimes for me that is music, but I also like to listen to audiobooks (from the library on my phone app) or podcasts.  I listen to these things while I’m in the car on the way to work or while I’m cleaning. When the kids are around I just put in one earbud so that I can still hear them in case intervention is necessary. When the kids are not around (i.e. at school) I can plug in and just enjoy whatever I’m listening to.  
  I love this because it’s free and it’s something I can do anytime I need something for myself. It gives me that 15+ minute break to quiet my mind and center myself.
• Qigong: I am new to this and I wish I had found it in my twenties. Pronounced chee-gong -- it’s a beautiful centuries old Chinese practice that blends gentle movement, breath-work, and meditation to cultivate and balance your body’s vital energy, or qi. There are YouTube videos that you can watch and follow along from the comfort of your home.  I enjoy the 10-15 minute videos because they’re easy to fit into my week.
• Take your kids to a fenced in park and bring an activity that you can do for a little while by yourself. Something that fills you with joy. I like to bring a book to read or my tablet to write on.  I have to prep my kids telling them, “Mom is going to take 15-20 minutes to (fill in activity) I have water and snacks in the bag by me.  If you need either of those things you may sit and eat or drink. Please only choose activities that you can do by yourself or with the help of a sibling. I am here if you need anything but I would like you to play independently for 15-20 minutes. I will be checking on you periodically.”  This generally works. It did take a while to get them to respect my boundary.  However, at the end of that time I walk around, thank them for letting me have a few minutes to myself, and if there was anything silly that happened while I was “working”. Then if they’re still good playing I’ll take a little more time.  Everyone is generally happy with this arrangement. It gets everyone outside, my kids love almost every park they have been to, and I get a little me time.
• Invite a friend over to hangout. When I have friends over to our house I usually have them come after my kids have gone up for their bedtime routine. If I’m lucky I am able to meet them at their house it feels like an extra treat. Sometimes I have met friends at the library, a park or for an outdoor free activity. You DON’T have to spend money to get friend time in.  
• Join a library book club. My local library book club is at a bad time for me but I still check out what they’re reading every month and read along.  I enjoy this because it exposes me to new authors and genres.
• Find something creative that you like to do! Anything, that uses the right side of your brain: dancing, painting, crafting, practice an instrument, learn a language (there are free apps), doing a puzzle, learning to cook something fun, folding towels into little animals like they do on cruise ships, creative writing or journaling, tell your children a made up story, photography, etc.
• Listen to calming music or nature sounds.
• Create a personal mantra -- I have a few. I like to sit down, listen to sensory music or calming sounds and recite a few mantras or make up new ones. Such as: I am taking life one day at a time - I am safe - I am loved - I am enough - I am learning, growing, and becoming - every step forward no matter how small matters.
• Find a workout routine that suits you . Qigong, yoga, walking around the block, walk around the fenced in park while your kids are playing.

All of these free and short routines are easy to incorporate into your day. A lot of them can be done with kids around. There are so many scientifically researched benefits to using the right-brain activities, but for our purposes let’s just say it helps to keep us relaxed, emotionally grounded, and mindful. That’s the kind of parent I want to be but I have to take care of myself to do it.  

2) Cheap: small ways to treat yourself: 

These small things can add up if you do them everyday.  I am not recommending that.  I usually treat myself in a small way twice a month. 

• A special drink from a coffee place, smoothie, slushy. I try to get something that will last me at least an hour. A slushy I can make last 3-4 hours.  Everytime I take a drink I close my eyes and breathe deeply, appreciating the treat and say one of my mantras for the day.
• Buy a new book for yourself either electronically or physically. I love reading! I usually get my books from the library because I just can’t afford all the books that I read/listen to.
• Take yourself to a movie. I know the movie theater can be expensive with snacks and drinks and a ticket. But when I need a small treat. I’ll make sure to eat dinner or a snack right before I go so that I’m not hungry during the show. Then I just have to pay for the ticket. Tickets in our area are under $10.
• Attend a library craft night with a friend. The library in our area does an adult only craft night almost every month. It’s a fun and inexpensive way to get some socializing in.
• Buy a small bouquet of flowers.  Our grocery store has bouquets for $4-7. I love doing this every once in a while because the flowers brighten our living space for at least a week.
• Buy some stickers for your water bottle because water is fun to drink when the cup looks interesting.
• And just for the boomers reading this some avocados for your toast. 😜 I love you all this line mostly for my father-in-law.

3) treats for when you have a little extra time and $$.

This is my favorite category and the one I get around to the least mostly because I don’t always have enough time.  When I’m feeling really low, frazzled, stressed, depressed, or just out of gas I make time and do one of these.  

• Get a massage. Seriously, take your tense self to a spa and have them work out all the tension.
• Go to a kickboxing class or other form of exercise class (kickboxing is my favorite but I know it’s not for everyone). Sometimes you have to level up your exercise routine to help work through whatever you’re going through. Again exercise has been scientifically proven to promote better sleep, elevate mood, reduce stress hormones, lowers risk of depression, decreases anxiety, and so many more things. This is not an exhaustive list.
• Take yourself (and your spouse if you have to) out to eat. Leave the kids with a sitter or Grandma and take a break.  When you go out if you are with your spouse, try to talk about something other than the kids.  Every other time of the day and night is devoted to the kids. Connect with yourself (and your partner) as a person with passions and dreams. How are your goals for the month going? Have you made progress for any yearly goals? What have you been reading recently? Yes I am asking you to actually take time to date yourself and your partner.
• Attend a community event, the theatre, a concert, a museum.  Do something that’s fun for adults. It’s nice to converse with people old enough to know how to write cursive every once in a while (outside of work). 

There are hundreds of other ideas for self care in each of these categories. These are the ones that I have done and have helped me.  I try to do at least one free option everyday. Essentially this is my maintenance routine. But when life happens and things get tough then I have different options to put me back on track.  

I think the key is keeping up with the maintenance plan, whatever yours looks like.  If you can take care of you for just a few minutes here and there throughout the day, it keeps your cup full so that you have more to give to your family. As they say you can’t pour from an empty cup.  

I know self care is hard. It’s hard to find time (instead of scrolling social media, put your phone down and do something small first), money, space, whatever, but it’s vital to you as a person. If you don’t have a self care routine and you’re burned out then start small.  Look up breathing exercises. I heard your eyes rolling here too but breathing really does help with grounding. When you’ve cleared your head it will be easier to remember what you enjoy doing, what activities center you. If you find after quieting your mind that you’re not sure then start testing the waters.  Try something for a week or two and see if you like it. If you don’t move on, without guilt, and try something else.  

There is something for everyone out there. Breathe and take this one day at a time.  It’s fun to find yourself again...trust me, you won’t regret it.