I love summer! I love going to the park in the mornings, the extra library activities, the time we have for art, playing board games, going to the pool, going camping.  I love having the extra time with my kids. 

This summer has been a whirlwind. It has been drastically different than a normal summer for us, for multiple reasons. My partner switched  jobs this year. He went from academia, where, although he still worked in the summers, the hours were flexible, to a new job where he’s working full time all year. I took a part-time job in December.  It worked out great while the kids were in school...and then summer hit.  

The last 10 summers I’ve been fortunate enough to stay home with my kids. I loved doing my “mommy day camp” and planning adventures with my kids. It was a time when I could really bond with each of them and take a break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. 

During the summer my boss was more than generous allowing me to squeeze my hours into three days a week so that I could spend the other four with the kids.  I did what I could with the kids during the time I had.  But I’d be lying if I said I felt like this summer was a success. The “Parent guilt” hit me hard. It just wasn’t the same. There was too much to catch up on at the house because I was working so I never seemed to escape the ever growing chore list. 

“I felt thin, sort of stretched out, like butter scraped over too much bread” (Bilbo Baggins, or JRR Tolkien) I couldn’t keep up on the house and work, I couldn’t do all these fun things with the kids and have time to myself. So then everything suffered a little bit. I didn’t get as much time with the kids. I couldn’t fit as many activities in as I wanted. I didn’t have time to focus on the blog or do anything with the blog, it just completely fell off. And don’t even get me started on the house. Everything felt like a complete train wreck by the end of the summer.  I felt so overwhelmed, I didn’t know how to turn it around. 

There were times where I had to check out and take a breather. Times I had to tell myself, “It’s going to be ok, we have food, shelter and each other.” I had to try and find the good, find things in the day or week to be grateful for.  I even found gratitude to be harder somedays than others. 

The time when things were the darkest for me was when Matt and my two oldest girls went to Washington state for three weeks. I’ve solo parented before and been ok. It’s hard but I had gotten through it one day at a time. This time was different because this time I had the added responsibility of a twenty hour work week. 

I told myself, “You’re not working full time so you should be able to work, and take care of the house, and kids, and food. No problem”. Right?...Right?...

No, the answer is no. Once again the “Parent guilt” hit me hard. The negative self-talk began: Why? Why can’t I take care of the house, work part time, do fun things with the kids, take time for myself, and work? I’m not capable of doing everything. I’m not a good parent because I am overwhelmed. I’m not a good mom...

These were lies that I was telling myself.  It’s ok to not do all the things. This doesn’t disqualify you from being a “good parent”. I was trying. I was doing my best with the resources I had. The truth is, there is not enough time in the day to do all the things.  If I had needed to make this change permanently, then I would have needed to change things about how we were living.  

The kids might have needed to stay an extra hour or two in daycare. Maybe we would only have time for two or three activities per week instead of five to six. I would need to do a major declutter of my house so that it wasn’t so hard to keep up on. (Although, I really need to work on this anyway. I’m in a constant state of decluttering)

If you’re a solo parent and doing all the things, give yourself a huge pat on the back, seriously. You’re AMAZING!

In retrospect the one thing that I should have made space for was my writing.  Right now it’s my outlet, my creative space, it’s the one thing that fills my cup consistently. I got burnt out this summer. Where if I had taken time to take care of myself maybe I wouldn’t have been so burnt. 

It’s so easy as parents to put ourselves last. I kept telling myself, “Get caught up, then tomorrow I would have time to write.”. But the reality is that I’m never caught up.  There’s always dishes, laundry, vacuuming, grocery shopping, or whatever to do.  It just never ends.  

Instead I should have thought about what 15 minutes of writing would have done for my mental health. I’m not talking about 15 minutes of doom scrolling, streaming a show, playing a phone game. I’m not talking about shopping or buying coffee (both can be fun or rewarding). I’m talking about doing something for yourself that is going to recharge your batteries. Something that brings joy to your heart. 

It can take a while to find that something if you’ve been putting yourself last for X number of years. But the pay out is worth it! When you find an activity that relaxes your brain and brings the calm to your spirit, that’s what you need to incorporate. And 15 minutes is a starting time, meaning just start with 15 minutes. At first, that little bit of time will feel hard.  Where are you going to fit it in? How are you going to fit it between dinner, and dishes, and activities, and...,and...,and...

One of the places that I started fitting it in was during my kids activities.  I would take them to their activity and while they were doing that thing, I’d take time to do something for myself. I didn’t have the distractions of home and chores. I could solely focus on whatever I wanted to do for me. 

Another place where I try to claim some me time is during my kids electronic time.  Yes, I use the electronic babysitter.  Listen, sometimes you just have to use what you have.  I make the “babysitting” longer than the activity (30-60 minutes) because you’re going to get interrupted.  And for those of you who disapprove of the electronic babysitter...well let me know what you do because I have not found anything that keeps my kids attention as well. I’d love any suggestions you have.  

And yes, my brain says it’s also a good time to run around the house doing a chore that needs done without tiny humans under foot. But put that off, set a timer on your watch or phone after you gather your activity and fill your cup first.

Before I start my activity I try to take some deep breaths and ground myself.  I close my eyes with the feet on the floor and just breathe for however long it takes for your brain to clear. Once you’ve shut out the noise and calmed yourself you can begin. Doing this pre-activity prep allows you to be fully present in whatever you’re doing.  

I really believe that taking care of ourselves changes the ball game. It can help us be a “better”, calmer parent. It’s helping me break the generational cycle of authoritarian parenting and yelling. I’m not perfect. But I hope that with my efforts to be a better parent that my children will grow up to be even better parents than me (if they choose). 

Self improvement is a big part of my life’s goal.  But I can’t improve if I’m never going to take time to work on myself.  I have to give myself that space to grow.  The only way to do that is to get out of “Survival Mode”. You don’t have to be in survival mode all the time but to get out you have to practice the pause and take care of you.  The world will keep going, whether you take time for yourself or not, I promise. 

Stop living just to survive. You can still take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time but focus on yourself for a few of those minutes so the hours don’t seem so overwhelming.