We talked a little about the application part of fostering in “So you want to be a foster parent”. I want to share with you now what it looks like when a child comes into your home. How we bring a child into our home, make them feel comfortable, help them feel safe, and build trust.

When you’re fostering there is no way of knowing what time your agency might call you regarding a placement. We received children at all hours of the day and night. You just have to be ready. You are basically part of an emergency service program, the call comes when the need arises.

We initially requested to “only” receive children who were younger than our oldest daughter. We decided to do this for many reasons, such as:

• Our oldest was very independent and already showing signs with other children for leadership (AKA she was bossy).
• We had read articles that recommended keeping the birth order.
• We had been stashing her clothes in the attic. So any children, if they were younger, theoretically, we’d have some clothes in case they didn’t come with any
• There was concern with our daughter being intellectually and socially ahead of an older child. We didn’t want the foster kids to feel like they were bad or stupid. Our goal was to build them up. We wanted to set them up for success and build their self confidence.
• Personally, I was worried about taking older children because I only had experience with her age or younger. I felt unsure about jumping age groups in case I couldn’t handle it as a parent.

We had a whole list of reasons for why we made this decision. Were they all logical? Probably not, but it’s how we decided to proceed.

For the most part I think we made the right decision to start this way. We had to start somewhere and test the waters.  Most of these “concerns” we had faded over time as we found what worked for our family. 

You’ll want to think about what parameters you want to start with too. What are you comfortable with? As you foster, you find a sort of groove or flow and you will know what kids you’ll feel confident hosting.  

Below is an idea of what we went through within the first few days after a child came to stay with us.

The call: 

When we got a call, the case worker would tell us what they knew (and what they could) of the situation. There were times when I would just agree to have the child(ren), and there were some calls where I’d consult my partner if the case was a little complicated.

We generally got very little information. There was one call where the caseworker didn’t know the child’s name and was guessing at their age. We said yes in this instance, because it was just for the weekend, and when the kids arrived with the caseworker, they still weren’t sure of his name. The child had autism and was mostly non-verbal so he couldn’t even tell us. They came on a Friday and stayed with us for an entire weekend without knowing their name.

The arrival:

And this is where fostering children can get interesting. When most kids arrive, they look like a deer in headlights. Totally shocked, some scared, some were angry, and for some kids it was just another Tuesday. I can't imagine what they were going through in the moment.

About 50% of the time a case worker would drop new placements off at our house. Other times we would receive kids in a number of different places. I have picked up children from our local Children and Youth office, therapists offices, a restaurant, a gas station, and the police station. Initially it was very hard for me to be picking up a child.  I preferred for the caseworker to bring them over, but after a while you get used to it. Like with everything else in this article you find your groove. 

When children:

• Are taken out of everything they know for one reason or another
• Removed from every one they know
• Driven by a stranger to another stranger's house
• Eating unfamiliar food
• Sleeping in a room that doesn’t smell like home
• Wearing pjs that smell and maybe feel different
• Told that they'll be staying in this unknown space until further notice.

It is traumatic!  The caseworkers would say, “oh they’re resilient. They’ll bounce right back”. Yes, in someways the children are resilient, and they have lived through at least one traumatic experience. It’s not something adult people process well, let alone a child. 

We always tried to look at it through their eyes. If the child was old enough we would introduce ourselves and ask if they wanted a tour of the house. We'd show them everything; living room, dining room, kitchen, pantry, the inside of our fridge and where they could find snacks if they were hungry, the bathrooms and everyone's bedrooms, including ours in case they needed us at night.

You might think that the fridge and pantry are weird things to show a child staying with you. We had a number of kids where lack of food had been an issue. Therefore it was an important part in helping them feel comfortable. Knowing that food was one thing they wouldn't have to worry about helped with their adjustment.

When I showed them the bedroom I would ask if they liked stuffed animals. Every single kid said yes. We had a bin of stuffed animals that they could pick from. I would pick them up on clearance or at the thrift store (and wash them). It brought so much joy and comfort for these kids to immediately have something of their own. You could visibly see some of the stress come off their shoulders when they hugged their new stuffy.

A majority of our kids came during the day/early evening. We would ask them if they wanted to play or if there was anything they wanted to do. A lot of the time they would want to play with the toys in the playroom. Our eldest would be so excited to show them all her favorite things.

While they played, I would make a plan. What clothes did they come with? Do they need more clothes or a different season? There were a couple of children that came with nothing, or they would come in winter clothes during the summer, or summer clothes during the winter, or clothes that were just the wrong size. We had one toddler that showed up in nothing but a diaper, shoes (no socks), and a blanket that didn’t quite cover her entire body at three in the morning in January - she was also one of those kids that needed an immediate bath.

Part of my planning was also making sure I lined up a babysitter to be on call that week for my kids because I would need to take the fosters to court, the doctors, a parental visit, and possibly shopping if I didn't know their sizes.

I'd usually plan a grocery trip somewhere in there too so that I could get them whatever their favorite foods were. I'd ask them what their parents made them and try to stock some of that. Anything I could do to help them feel comfortable and safe.

Bedtime: 

This time of day was always the hardest time for the first few days/week. It's the scariest time I think for a new foster child. Bedtime is when the reality of the situation starts really hitting them. Before bedtime they could just be on a play-date. Now they have to sleep in a strange bed, in a strange room, that smells different, feels different, and the truth hits. They are not going home. They are not seeing their parents tonight and they don't know when they will see them again.

There are usually a lot of tears, sometimes they're completely exhausted from the trauma of the day and would go right to sleep. The hardest times are when they're angry or scared. I'll never forget the night one of our kids asked, "Will Matt stay in his bed tonight? Is he going to sleep in here?" She must have asked me these two questions twenty times. Each time I would reassure her, "Matt will be sleeping in his bed. I promise he's not going to come in your room.". Sometimes I would add, "I will make sure he doesn't come in here. If you need anything I can help". I continued singing lullabies until she fell asleep.

When she finally fell asleep and I walked out I wept for her. This little girl was six years old and worried about a grown man coming to her bed at night. It broke my heart.

The things that our kids witnessed, endured, and survived is...well let's just say I don't think I have the strength to write that article.

The logistics/obligatory appointments:

There are two mandatory appointments for the kids within the first 48-72 hours.

A doctor visit: When kids came with a pediatrician we would go to that doctor to help them feel more comfortable. When they didn't, I would take them to my daughters' pediatrician.  I had a good relationship with her pediatrician. She knew that we were foster parents, and she would always make time for our placements. The receptionist knew that if I called with a new child we needed to be seen ASAP. They would do an all-around wellness check, and they would also check for any outward signs of physical abuse. They did this so that any marks or cuts or anything could be documented. A lot of bio parents tried accusing us of bruising during the first court hearing. It never went anywhere because of the doctor's documentation.

Court: I don't even know where to start here. Court is chaos. I never quite knew what to expect. Most of the time someone would call me the day after drop off and let me know when and where court was (we had two locations where hearings were held). And sometimes I would have a two- or three-hour notice. This is why I would have a baby-sitter on standby. I only took the kids who needed to be in court to court.

There were times when we would get right into court and times where we would wait hours.  The security guards always made fun of me because I would have toys, food, diapers and wipes that looked like they might last overnight if needed.  One guard who I got to know, as soon as he saw me would say, "Hey! You here for another slumber party? Did you bring me anything?". I often brought at least one dessert, and I would bring an extra for the guard.

Things to have ready to go/foster parent supplies: 

Depending on the age of child that you’re open to receiving the supplies will vary.  I’ll give you the list of items that we had.  We hosted babies up to the age of six generally. There were a couple of occasions that we had older kids so that we would help keep a sibling group together. 

Clothes: The longer we were foster parents the more people would donate clothes to us. I would wash and put them up in totes in the attic according to size and gender. This was so helpful because it allowed us to push shopping for clothes off until the flurry of the first week was done. (A HUGE thank you to anyone who did donate to our foster's clothing closet over the years. We are so grateful) If we didn’t have a size in the attic I would post the size I needed to my friend group and there was almost always someone with that size willing to help us.

Bed(s): We had one crib set up almost all the time ready to go. 

Matt built double bunks in one room. 

Items we acquired and stored in the attic until we needed them: Two bassinets (one on each floor), we had four toddler mattresses (the most we used was 3 at a time).  And two play pens.

Water bottles: I always looked for clearance stainless steel water bottles. This way each kid had their own special cup.

Suit cases: I would look for suit cases or duffles at the thrift store. We used these when the children left to send them with whatever we bought them or had given them and so they had a special place for their belongings. There were times when we also had to use boxes for the kids that stayed with us for extended periods. I don’t think we ever used garbage bags.  

Backpacks: To use for school if they were older.

Shoes: We only had a few kids that came in the wrong size shoe or didn’t come with shoes but it was nice to have a stash in the attic so that kids could have more than one pair. 

Dressers: We had an extra dresser in each bedroom (one room for boys and the other for girls). If we had more than two kids that needed dressers I had plastic drawers that I could pull down from the attic for more dressers. 

Extra tooth brushes

A supply of stuffed animals 

Baby bottles 

School supplies

The moral of this story is if you're thinking about being a foster parent, I highly recommend making sure you have a great support system. Foster parenting is not easy. You'll need people you can lean on in different ways. I also recommend finding a foster parent's support group or ask the agency you work with if there is another foster parent that might be willing to mentor you.

The first week is stressful, exciting, heartbreaking (learning the children’s stories), and beautiful. I can honestly say that I almost instantly fell in love with each and every kid that came through our door. My favorite part is watching each child grow during their time with us. 

Just remember in the chaos of the first few days to breathe, remember your why, and take it one day at a time. The family flow will come back with time.