The reasons people might want to be foster parents are many and varied. Some are good and noble; being a safe place for children, providing a loving home for a child while their family is working to be reunited. Some are misguided or unrealistic; saving children from a terrible situation or planning to just adopt every child that comes to the house (I’ve heard this often, “I would never be able to give them back”). And then there are some reasons people give that are just straight up, red flags; “money”, good foster parents are not making money. They are spending the stipend on the child. Some foster parents think, “I have space and time and could probably do it, so why not?” And some families go in with the expectation of adoption. 

I am a little guilty of some of these as you’ll see. My goal with this article is to start digging into what it means to be a foster parent and how that actually looks. 

I have no intention of telling you a romantic version of fostering. I want to be real about it. I want to relay the nitty gritty, the parts people don’t want to talk about. This is my goal in the “Fostering” section of the blog. When we started fostering I had a hard time finding any helpful inspiration or knowledge to guide us. The articles I found were about “the corrupt system” or “horrible homes” or “terrifying children” or “beautiful adoption stories”. 

While all of those things can happen, fostering is so much deeper than any of those titles. It’s messy and hard and beautiful and everything in between. 

When we started to think about fostering, our oldest was one and a half (ish). We had adopted her traditionally (through an adoption agency) after finding out that we were infertile. Now that she was a little older she started asking for “a friend”. I would take her to play-dates or mommy and me play groups and on the way home she would ask, “Mom can you make a friend for me like Tommy?”. 

We had a lot of talks about how my partner and I were not able to “make a friend” like Tommy. When she was bored at home she would say, “I just wish I had a friend to play with”. 

And yes for those of you questioning my one and a half year old asking full sentence questions, she didn’t really do baby talk. Even as a toddler she was only comfortable doing something if she could do it 100%. I agree with you, it was strange, but that’s another article. 

It broke my heart that we were not able to have another child naturally. There wasn’t a lot we could do about it. 

I don’t remember the particulars of how we started talking about fostering. We talked about it a few times, mulling it over, wondering if we could handle more children. 

My partner had seen a couple of articles in the city paper about local foster homes that were under investigation for various reasons. So one night he came home and decided that we should take the leap. We knew we had space for more kids, I had time for it because I was a stay at home mom, and we knew our house would be a safe space. 

We were ready to begin the application process. The first person that we met with sold the program! We’d be doing so much good, the case workers would support us the whole way, they could set me up with a foster mentor, there was a support group for current foster parents, the works. These things sound ideal but can only happen if the county is fully funded and staffed.

Reflecting back, some of the questions that should be discussed during the application or training process are: 

1. Am I prepared to meet these children where they are at? Regardless of the trauma, hurt, and fear that may accompany them.
2. Can I look beyond the behaviors or quirks and see the “Why?”. You have to be willing to see where the behavior is coming from and respond with empathy and love. For instance; they may be yelling and screaming at bedtime. Do you have the patience to reflect and ask what is causing this behavior? Have they ever had a bedtime routine or is this new, unfamiliar and scary for them? Are their gums sensitive because they are not used to brushing their teeth everyday? Are they scared of the dark or triggered from some trauma that they may have lived through.
3. Am I comfortable with being disliked by their biological parents and willing to respond with compassion?
4. Am I capable of evaluating this child’s social, emotional, or physical needs and working with them in order to build them up while they are with me?
5. Am I willing to authentically love the children in my home regardless of the outcome (i.e. adoption or reunification)? THIS is the biggest question. Children that came into our home regardless of how long they stayed, where they came from, or what we were working towards, NEEDED and deserved to be loved. 

People considering this undertaking wouldn’t necessarily know to ask or discuss any of the above. Without reflection and training in these areas, foster parents enter in blind through no fault of their own. 

Honestly, if you can open your heart enough to love a child solely because that is what they deserve then you can be a foster parent. If you don’t know how to do anything else listed above but you are willing to love them unconditionally, you should be a foster parent. The knowledge and skills will come with time. When you truly love a child, you will learn whatever you need to know to help them. 

The application process took a little over ten months. This process may look different now within our state. I know it looks different depending on which agency you choose, what county you’re in, and what age you are willing to foster. 

Some of the logistical things we had to do are:

• Receive Federal and State clearances
• First aid training
• CPR training
• Submit financial information such as paystubs
• Complete 24 hours of training
• Build a personal biographical statements (who we are and what we’re about)
• Complete a home safety inspection
• Personal references

There was a longer list for the entire application but these were the biggest hurdles. 

Again the paperwork is not the important part. Being willing to learn and grow as parents, as a family, can get you through most curve balls that fostering will throw at you. Just be ready, because once you learn about something, work on it with a child, some other behavior will surface that needs your attention. It is tireless work. 

A foster child’s time in our home is marked by more than just milestones on a growth chart - it’s in the confidence they build when they realize they belong, the resilience they develop through love and stability, and the dreams they dare to imagine for the future. 

Like everything else you just need to take on the adventure that is foster parenting one day at a time.