Our journey through fostering was an adventure. My advice to anyone considering embarking on this adventure is: 

• Take time to know who you are so that you don’t get lost like me. 

• Make sure your partner is ready for this adventure too.  I know there are people who solo-foster, may the universe bless you.  I don’t know how you do it. 

• Have a plan with your partner for at least the first week with new kids.  The first week is a roller coaster getting them settled, adjusted, and to all their appointments. 

• Make sure everyone that lives in the home is ok with this change.  It is a strain on everyone in the home.  

• Know that every foster kid you get is going to come with different challenges. There will be things that you don’t expect and will shock you.  

Our beginning:

Andrea, our oldest, was the “perfect” child for two years. She learned quickly, was well behaved, and wonderfully curious. With results like that, how could we not think ourselves the best parents? We would pat ourselves on the back and proudly say how easy this parenting thing is. We decided we were so good and “knowledgeable,” and we had just the right home to try and help other children in need. So, we became foster parents just after Andrea turned two.   

Being a foster parent made me question everything I’d done and was actively doing. Why in the world would we ever take on other children? But like many foster parents before us, we fell in love with each child. We saw their needs and knew that, even if it was hard, our home would be a good and safe place for them while they needed us.  

We fostered almost 30 children in four years. Around half of the children would stay with us for a week or less while a kinship home was prepared for them. The other children would stay with us for a few months. Some were reunited with their parents, while others were sent to different foster homes for adoption.  Three of the children became part of our full-time family through adoption.  

Each foster child holds special memories for us. They all challenged us as parents in many ways, and it was always a joy to see how much they grew during their time with us. It is truly amazing what three meals a day and a full night's sleep can do for a child.   

My favorite part of fostering was helping children blossom.  Moving into a different house with total strangers is a shock for a child. We knew the children were experiencing trauma, and we had to help them through that. They came with other trauma experiences that were just as distressing as moving in with a different family. It wasn’t always easy to unpack or separate which trauma they were feeling so that we could help them. We’d have to play detective and observe their behaviors, then try to understand what could be at the root of that behavior.  We googled, read the articles, and read books; we listened to podcasts; we asked the caseworker. Sometimes we would find a solution but often we would hit a dead end. Often a resource would shed light on a topic, but nothing would illuminate enough for us to see all the answers. Despite our frustration, we did whatever we could to support our foster children.   

During the second year of fostering, I started seeing a therapist.  I had a lot of negative feelings about working with the children's birth moms.  Consciously, I knew my anger wouldn’t help anything, but I would notice that irritation would come out in ways that I wasn’t proud of, which was not fair to anyone. A lot of my anger stemmed from my infertility. I thought that I had worked through the grief of being infertile, but through therapy I realized that I had mostly suppressed the grief.  It took over a year to really work through all the emotions. I am sure there is still progress that I can make in therapy about many things, but Covid happened, and the therapy halted.  

You would think that having had so many kids in my house I’d be some sort of expert or guru. I am not.  Every kid we had has been different. They’ve all had unique needs, different personalities, and distinct struggles. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I’ll never be done learning. The children we adopted are still throwing us curve balls. Parenting is a challenge. Kids keep you guessing.  

It’s easy to feel alone when your kids have special needs, are neurodivergent, or have trauma. Sometimes our kids' struggles seem invisible until a public tantrum appears at the worst time. Like in the middle of a birthday party because they didn’t get the cupcake with the blue frosting and rainbow ring or the in the grocery store because you won’t buy them sour apple gum that you know they won’t eat. I wish all parents knew that they are not alone. It’s isolating because parents with neurotypical children do not have the same experiences that you are going through. And often parents of children with special needs are burned out.  We don’t always have the energy to socialize or even empathize with other parents.  But we need support, we need to take care of ourselves so that we can be the best parent we can be for our children. I have nothing to give to my children or my partner if I do not charge my own batteries.   

It’s not easy to find the time and claim it, guard it, for yourself. And it can be even harder to find something that energizes you.  It is so easy to get lost in just being a parent-running a house, living for our children. One lesson that is near to my heart is: I am a mom, and I am my own person. It’s vital for me to find a way to define these within myself. It is important and healthy to talk to our children about boundaries, self-care, and doing things in life that are fulfilling. It took a long time to reflect and really search within myself to find those things that really fill my cup and make me who I am outside of being a mom.  It’s not an easy journey back to yourself after being lost to parenthood.  Goodness knows just taking a bubble bath is not the answer.  

My best advice is take it slow. Breathe. Be present and grounded. Remember to just take it one day at a time.