Being a foster parent, you are not just working with the children, caseworkers, and court. You will most likely have some sort of relationship with the biological parent(s) (bio parent). 

This will look different with every parent you work with. Generally speaking, be prepared to be viewed as enemy number one, at least in the beginning. It’s not (necessarily) personal, after all they don’t know you at all. Their child(ren) has been placed in your home. It’s not an ideal situation for anyone. 

Trying to see the situation from their perspective helps tremendously. Imagine your children walking into a building with a total stranger. What would you feel toward them? Would you have enough strength to greet this person with kindness and gratitude?

Many foster parents I have met expected bio parents to be grateful but I don’t think this is realistic. This is where the bridge metaphor comes in.  You want to find a way to connect with them. You are not going to be BFF’s (that’s not the idea) but you want to be capable of building a healthy and cooperative relationship. 

Building a healthy relationship between yourself and the bio parents can be a powerful and healing aspect of the fostering journey. Modeling healthy relationships and communication is important because children learn by watching. When they see adults navigating complex emotions with grace, empathy, and respect, it teaches them how to build and maintain healthy relationships in their own lives. 

Steps to Building your bridge: 

1) Lead the interaction with respect. If they don’t show you respect it’s ok (no, I’m not saying to let them walk all over you) but when they see your consistent efforts to show respect and compassion - most of the time their attitude will change.

Bio parents are in a tight spot. Their entire life is under a microscope, and they may have a whole list of things to accomplish before they can be reunited, such as:

• Parenting classes
• Therapy
• Home inspections
• Court appointments
• Lawyer appointments
• Job search
• Or trying to maintain a job through all these added appointments 

This is most likely one of the hardest moments of their life. Even if mistakes were made, showing respect for their role as the child’s parent can make a difference. That’s an easy place to find common ground.  Asking questions about their child is a good way to start the conversation. Some questions that I started with are:

• What are some of your child’s favorite foods?
• Do they have a favorite toy?
• Is there anything that comforts them when they’re upset?
• What’s their bedtime routine like? Do they have a special blanket, toy, or bedtime story?
• Does (name) have any medical needs, allergies, or medications that I should know about? (Sometimes this is covered by the case worker. I still liked to ask a follow up question just to make sure that nothing was missed.)

There is usually not a lot of time at parental visits to ask a lot of questions so I would start with one or two - whatever ones seemed most important. For instance if we were having trouble with the bedtime routine I would make sure to ask this in the first interaction.  

In the beginning, when we first started, my leading question would be, “Can you tell me about (name)?” Sometimes this question would get a good response but mostly they would just stare at me blankly, or only say one thing, or just tell me basic information like how old the child is. I think part of the reason I didn’t get “good” answers is the question is too open ended. They also didn’t know me yet. It takes time to build rapport. They’re not going to spill everything about their kid to a stranger, especially one they currently resent.  

Once it felt a little more comfortable talking with the bio parent, I would start trying to learn a little more about their family culture and dynamics.  

• Are there any family traditions or culture that are important to your child around (insert holiday or birthday)?
• Would you feel comfortable sharing a photo of yourself for your child to keep?
• I want to support (name) the best I can - is there anything I should know to help them feel safe or loved?  (Name) has been sad at dinner time and I’m wondering if there is something special you did at dinner that might help? You can insert any example here. Maybe they’re struggling at bedtime, in the mornings, when they go to or come home from school, etc.
• Would you like to stay in touch through updates or photos if they’re allowed by the caseworker? I would ask the caseworker this question first just in case their answer is, NO. And be cautious. This is only a question I would ask after a while getting to know the family and only if I felt comfortable. There were some cases that I never asked/offered this as an option. 

2) Be consistent and reliable. Most of the families you meet will not trust you at all. When you follow through on what you say -- whether it’s sending updates, showing up on time for visits, or honoring agreed upon routines with the kids. Your consistency will build credibility and trust. 

I want to emphasize showing up on time.  This can be really hard depending on whatever else you have going on in your life. But these visits can be a life line for bio parents. It’s what keeps them motivated with everything the court is having them do. There will be times when they don’t show up or they’re fifteen minutes late (or more). That’s a whole other thing.  As a foster parent YOU need to be on time. 

3) Share, DON’T show off: Offer updates about their child’s well being in a way that invites connection, not a comparison. If there is something that the parent has sent home, take a picture of their child with it. Show them the picture at the visit or send them the picture, if you’re allowed/comfortable, and say something like, “They love their new (item) so much!” You can even add how they are playing with it, using it, or whatever. 

When we would take our family and fosters for an outing like a children’s museum, community event (trick or treating, festivals, fair, touch a truck fire fighter events) I would not necessarily send or show these pictures to the bio parents. They can look at this as a comparison or “one-up”. A lot of our foster kids had never or rarely attended community events. It can make the parents feel guilty or resentful. I would only show or send pictures if the kids told their parents about the event.  And for us this rarely came up. The kids are more excited to see and play with their parents. However it may be different if you have older kids, most of the kids we fostered were six or younger. 

4) Ask for their input: There are so many small questions that I asked it’s hard to remember them all. Asking for their input can show how you value their voice and want to honor their bond with their child. Below are just a few ideas for small questions: 

• What brand of diapers seem to work best for your child?
• Does (name) like blue jeans or leggings more? (We had a few kids that HATED blue jeans)
• Are there any activities (name) really loves? Drawing, dancing, playing outside, singing, playing with sand/slime/play-doh?
• Does (name) have a favorite color? We often color coded things in our house. 

5) Be patient: Trust isn’t built overnight. There will be setbacks, awkward moments, and silence. Keep showing up with kindness. 

Remember even if mistakes were made, put your compassion goggles on and breathe. It won’t always be pretty and that’s ok. Being a foster parent is messy. Like everything else, take this one day at a time.