Twelve hours was all the notice that we received. We had twelve hours to create a space for, purchase the necessary items, and drive six hours across the state of South Dakota to meet our first baby. It made for quite a night full of anticipation and joy. In a way it felt strange to be preparing to welcome a baby into our family because we didn’t know them at all. Not to say that you necessarily “know” a baby before they’re born, but there is some connection between biological parents and children that we would not have in these early days. When we met Andrea in the hospital, all our fears seemed to melt away, replaced by a deep peace. She was small, as many babies are, calm and curious. We had no idea how much a seven-pound, eleven-ounce baby could change us.  

 My partner and I found out that we were infertile within six months of trying to conceive. I was devastated by this news. However, looking back we were fortunate to not have to wait years to find out.  Our infertility left us at a crossroads. We could continue, accepting the fate dealt to us and appreciate being able to do whatever we wanted. Or we could pursue a different path to parenthood.   

It took a while for me to grieve the loss of physically being a biological parent. I tried to take my time healing the wound, but I thought the only way to heal it would be to find an alternative path as soon as possible. We were young and that we had a lot to offer, I felt like we would make good parents.  

We found an adoption agency and adopted our first child within a year. At the time, a year seemed like an eternity. Andrea came to us like a thunderstorm, rushing in and turning our world upside down. 

It was one thing imagining being a parent and a whole other thing attempting it in real life. It took me a few months to feel as though I had some sort of rhythm as a first-time parent. Once I started to feel comfortable I plunged in, head first, trying to do all the things, as only first-time parents can do. 

The whole experience was a classic situation of trial by fire.  There is no manual for parents and every child is so unique that even asking for advice is not always helpful.    

Andrea grew into a wonderfully independent, head strong and fierce little person.  She had no fear and seemed to enjoy taking on the world head on.  

I was raised with the belief that being a mother would be fulfilling. While I enjoy parts of motherhood this has not been my experience.  The more I tried to be this perfect homemaker and mother made me feel like I was losing myself.  I am not just a mother. I am a creator, artist, writer, explorer, and life long learner. 

When Andrea was four I started my path back to find myself. I wanted to be myself and a mother.  I had been told that when you were a mother that was your sole focus.  I choose not to believe that.  I don’t want my kids to grow up with that either.  I want them to know that they can follow their passions and have a family if they want.  I want them to know that who they are is the most important thing. 

My journey continues slowly, steadily one day a time.