When we first met our second child, we had been fostering for two(ish) years. Mars was four, and we had two other foster children at the time. The fosters who had been with us were getting ready to be reunited with their family. It was both an exciting and trying time, but that’s another article. 

We received a call from the caseworker informing us about Ahsoka and the situation the family was in. Matt and I talked about it and his refrain was, “You’re the one putting in the work. It’s really your choice.” Now there were some situations where we talked about cases in more detail such as with older children. .. Ahsoka had just been born though, and taking in a newborn was usually an easy yes because they’re pretty good about going with the flow. I called the caseworker to let them know that we could care for Ahsoka. We had to pick her up from the hospital so I took the other kids to Matt. 

A hospital pick up for foster kids is either two minutes or four hours. There was no in between. It’s a whirlwind getting everything together for a hospital pick up. I would throw a few things in a diaper bag such as newborn diapers, a onesie, a new binky (I kept one new one around most of the time), and an infant car seat. I would go down my phone tree starting with Matt and see who could watch the kids while I was packing.  Next I’d pack up the kids for the babysitters.  

It always felt a little nerve racking when we were going to pick up any child. I worried if I had made the right decision. I tried to stay calm but my kids picked up on my nervousness. Mars, usually going into a litany of questions, wanted to know everything. Her asking questions made me feel more tense. The doubt would creep in my mind; Did I make the right decision? How long would they be staying? How can I keep the other children’s schedules on track with all the things that will need done in the next couple weeks? What will the parents be like? How can I help ease their minds about their child? For instance, if there is anything that the bio parents sent home with their children I would make sure that it was accessible and/or used often to help the child adapt.

When I arrived at the hospital there was a whole hullabaloo… The bio mom had already left without being discharged. The bio dad was there trying to take the baby home with him.  Now, I truly believe that kids should be with family if at all possible, but the hospital won’t let you take a child home when you’re intoxicated. The caseworker was trying to explain this calmly to the bio dad.  Both he and bio mom would have to be drug free for a certain amount of time before Ahsoka could be reunited with them.  

The caseworker had asked me to wait in an empty patient’s room while they sorted this out. I’m glad she did because the situation escalated very quickly. I didn’t meet the bio dad at this time, but I could hear everything. My head was spinning and it was hard to breathe.  I remember sitting there listening and thinking to myself. How would I feel if I were the dad in this situation? What could I say to change the caseworkers mind? I could hear the pain and loss in his voice. Hospital security had to get involved to keep things calm.  

When I was finally able to take Ahsoka home, I felt…wary. This was the first time I’d experienced a child being taken from their parents. It was hard. It was sad. It truly is a dark time for parents, and I remember thinking that I needed to proceed with compassion. Regardless of the circumstances for removal, most parents don’t want to be separated from their child. This was the first time I was nervous about a placement. I felt like the stakes were high. Fostering is a very serious job because you are caring for other people's children. When you make a parenting mistake with your own children, you can make it a lesson learned. But making a mistake with a foster child, well the parent guilt feels different because you’re not only letting the kid down but their bio parents too.  

Visits for bio dad were set up as soon as possible. They were at a special location where the workers could teach bio dad how to care for Ahsoka. If they could be reunited, he would have those parenting skills. He showed up for ten visits and then disappeared. Bio mom never showed up for visits or court. 

The only visits that we had were those first ten with bio dad. So, as time went on, the caseworker asked us if we would be willing to adopt Ahsoka.  Her bio dad had been in and out of jail and had attended only some of the permanency hearings when the sheriffs would bring him. There were a lot of emotions when he was able to see Ahsoka at court. It pulled at my heart to see his pain and regret. 

Adopting through the foster system is a very long process because the goal is reunification, so the court tries to ensure that the bio parents have had every opportunity. The court in Pennsylvania, also makes a back up plan in case reunification is not an option. After a child is in your home for six months the case worker will ask you if you are willing to be an adoptive resource. Again, the process is long but the theory is that within six months you should know if the child would be a good fit for your family. If not then they will try to find an adoptive home for the child. 

We fell in love with Ahsoka. She was such a sweet baby. As she grew and her personality developed she was joyful, caring, sensitive, empathic. My favorite thing about Ahsoka is that she is a performer.  She loves to be in the spotlight whether she’s singing, monologuing, or making us laugh. As a baby she did have some medical complications. It was quite a journey to figure out what kind of formula worked with her body. And she rarely slept more than a couple hours at a time. Medical issues are an important consideration because they can be ongoing. So we asked ourselves, “Are these medical conditions something that our family can handle long term?”. I had the time as a stay at home mom to make sure that Ahsoka’s needs were met. We had bonded with her, she just was one our family from the beginning. 

About nine months in, we were court-ordered to have sibling visits with Ahsoka’s older sibling. She was three at the time and living with the bio maternal grandparents.  They wanted Ahsoka to live with them, but they were already raising the two older siblings and had two teenagers of their own. They had literally run out of space in their house.  

Both families were worried about meeting each other for all the reasons. Would we get along? Would we be able to maintain sibling visits? If our families didn’t get along, then what? Would these kids get to know each other just to be torn away? Would the grandparents fall in love with Ahsoka and ask for custody? There were so many unknowns and such high stakes. And we had both experienced and heard so many stories where kinship relations meet a foster family and end up requesting custody. Which, to be fair, is completely their right and can be a better situation for the child to be with a bio family. We knew that if they made that decision it would be ok, but it would also be heartbreaking. We had heard very few situations that ended with the bio and foster families working well together.

Fortunately, all our worries almost immediately dissipated when we met the bio family. They are AMAZING! Their family had been through so much trying to help their daughter (bio mom) turn her life around so that she could keep her children. As many in this situation know, you can only help someone as much as they want to be helped. In the end, they have to be the one to make the change. It had been hard for the bio grandparents raising their first two grandchildren and unimaginable to have another family raising their third grandchild. They didn’t want her to grow up thinking that she was unwanted. We promised that would never happen. 

We started by meeting in public places like the library or park to get to know each other. At first we would meet for an hour, maybe an hour and a half. As time went on and we got to know one another we would meet for longer and eventually went so far as to meet in each other's homes. Our relationship with them blossomed naturally.  They are still so grateful, and often tell us they feel lucky their grandchildren are in our home. We see them often for different celebrations throughout the year; birthdays, holidays, graduations, baby showers, and to simply hang out. 

 We were able to adopt Ahsoka when she was two and a half years old. It was a beautiful day. Even though we had known her for so long there was always the unknown: the subconscious fear of Ahsoka not being with us loomed over our heads right up until adoption day.  It’s not an easy thing to love these little people knowing that at any point someone could show up and request to be their guardian. It doesn’t matter how “confident” the case worker is. The reality is that it’s not official until the Judge signs the adoption decree. 

But that’s the crux of fostering. Every child, regardless of the situation, length of stay, or bio parents’ involvement, deserves to be in a loving home. A home that can offer stability, comfort, safety, love and understanding. None of these kids are easy. Even the babies come with complications and trauma. As a foster parent, you have to be able to look past the behavior -- the crying, the temper, the destruction, the food/eating disorders (yes, even in babies), the difficult sleep patterns -- and find the why. You have to play detective. Where do we think this behavior is coming from? What is the child trying to say through this behavior? How can I help them find words or help them emotionally work through their feelings or trauma? 

Parenting adopted children is not for the faint of heart. It’s not as though once they’re adopted you “live happily ever after.” Just like any other child it takes work, constant learning, and an open mind. I understand that there’s no “knowing” what you’re going to get with any child, but adoption is a real roll of the dice because there are so many other things, outside of your control, that can factor into who this child is. I often get asked, “Wasn’t it easier since you’ve had them since they were a baby?.” When foster children come into your home later, they bring x-number of years of additional trauma with them. But we have to remember that babies in utero also receive trauma from their mothers through DNA, their experiences in utero, and immediately being taken after birth. Then add any alcohol or drug use that affected them, possible malnourishment, and potential lack of prenatal care. 

For Ahsoka, we found that a lot of her struggles are a result of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD). This disorder has a huge list of various symptoms that people may experience. For Ahsoka it has disrupted normal sleeping patterns, made emotional regulation very difficult, she struggles with some simple daily tasks (i.e. getting dressed, putting shoes on, transitioning between tasks, basic problem solving, etc.). The hardest struggle for us has been that she has her own sort of reality (or head-cannons). She doesn’t always see or comprehend what’s happening in a “neurotypical” way. She’ll tell you a version of what happened, but it may look drastically different than what really happened. She’s not lying, but she sees what happened differently.

Adoption is a journey. One that has truly been a blessing for us - even with all its challenges.  I can’t imagine our life without our kids. This journey has its good days and bad, but as long as I take it one day at a time, I know we’ll get through.