When Everything Changes (and You Start Over Again)

Let’s talk about what our adoptions have looked like long term. Specifically, what tends to happen around the four-year mark.

I do not know what it is about age four, but every time one of my kids reaches it, I swear a switch flips in their brain. Suddenly, things that felt manageable no longer are. Supports that worked before, stop working. Expectations rise, but regulation lags behind. And we find ourselves adjusting everything all over again.

Our Adoption Story, Long Term

All of the children we adopted came into our home straight from the hospital. We knew going in that they had been exposed to different substances in utero. All of them have Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder in addition to other diagnoses.

None of our kids experienced withdrawal symptoms as newborns, which we were grateful for. But the absence of withdrawal did not mean the absence of impact. Their brains were still affected, and those effects showed up gradually over time.

I am not a doctor, and I can’t explain every possible outcome of prenatal substance exposure. What I can do is share what we have lived. What our children struggled with. What helped them succeed. And what helped us grow into parents who better understand the kids in front of us.

Our goal has never been just to raise happy children. We want to raise children who feel capable. Kids who trust themselves, understand their own needs, and know they have tools to move through the world with confidence.

How Prenatal Exposure Can Show Up

Different substances affect the developing brain in different ways. Opioids and methamphetamines can impact neurological wiring. Alcohol interferes with neuron migration and synaptic connections.

In real life terms, this often shows up as challenges with executive functioning. That includes planning, impulse control, emotional regulation, transitions, decision making, and even everyday routines like getting dressed, brushing teeth, or choosing what to eat.

Looking back, we can now see early signs of this in our oldest. At the time, we did not recognize them for what they were. She was our first child, and we assumed many of her struggles were typical.

We knew Mars was neurodivergent because she learned differently, thought differently, and experienced the world through a different lens. We believed her challenges were simply part of that. Some of them were. Others were directly tied to prenatal exposure.

Ages 0 to 1: Early Nervous System Clues

All of our kids struggled with:

• Difficulty soothing due to nervous system dysregulation
• Heightened sensitivity to sound, texture, and touch

Some of our kids struggled with:

• Difficulty bonding due to nervous system overwhelm
• Sleep disturbances and feeding challenges
  

In hindsight, many of these struggles were early signs of a nervous system working overtime. At the time, they were often brushed off as colic, reflux, or difficult babies. These challenges were not caused by parenting. They were signs that their bodies were already working harder than most to feel safe and regulated.

Ages 1 to 2: Big Feelings, Small Bodies

All of our kids experienced:

• Intense emotional outbursts triggered by seemingly minor stimuli
• Early signs of hyperactivity or sensory seeking behavior

Some experienced:

• Delayed milestones, including speech and or motor coordination
  

During this stage, the emotional intensity increased. These behaviors were often labeled as toddler tantrums, and in many ways they looked like that. The difference was the frequency, the intensity, and how difficult it was for them to recover afterward.

Ages 2 to 4: When the Gap Widens

All of our kids showed:

• Social disconnects and difficulty interpreting facial cues or emotions
• Impulsivity, risk taking, and rigid routines

Some experienced:

• Attachment challenges that fluctuated between clinging and avoidance
• Difficulty with empathy and understanding social cues

This is often when parents start noticing a gap between their child and peers. For many families, this stage is still explained away as a phase. And while all children struggle at times, our kids did not outgrow many of these challenges. Instead, they intensified.

And if you’re thinking I am being dramatic, you’re not entirely wrong. My kids do nothing quietly. Their struggles tend to live on the extreme end of the spectrum.

Learning What Actually Helps

When Matt and I became foster parents, we had children in our home with many of these same challenges. We are lifelong learners, so we did what we knew how to do. We learned.

We listened to reputable podcasts like ADDitude ADHD Experts. We read parenting books like Tilt Parenting by Deborah Reber and Calm the Chaos by Dayna Abraham. We talked to other foster and adoptive parents. And when we ran out of ideas, we turned to Google.

We believed that education would help us grow. When we learned a new strategy, we discussed it together. We tried it consistently. If it helped, we kept it. If it did not, we let it go.

Some strategies were complete flops. Others made small differences. And a few changed everything.

The one that stands out most for me is active listening.

Why Connection Matters More Than Correction

Active listening is not about listening so you can respond. It is about listening to understand what is underneath the behavior.

When I actively listen to my child, I might ask:

• Can you tell me more about that?
• How did that make you feel?
• What feels important about this to you?
• How do you see this working? Can we talk it through together?

These questions help my child slow down and think. They also help me understand what their nervous system is communicating when words are hard to find.

Over time, we realized that no amount of discipline, charts, or consequences could rewire what trauma and prenatal exposure had interrupted. What helped was connection. Meeting our kids where they are, not where a parenting book says they should be.

The Four-Year-Old Switch

Around age four, expectations increase. Kids are expected to manage emotions, transitions, and social demands with more independence. For our kids, this is often when the cracks in their foundation become visible.

This is not defiance. It is development.

Their brains are doing hard, unseen work. Our job is to help them feel safe while they do it. That might look like slowing down routines, using fewer words during big emotions, or building in far more structure and sensory support than most families ever need.

It is not regression. It’s a revelation.

Each time it happens, we get another opportunity to understand our kids more deeply and love them more intentionally.

A Reminder for Parents Walking This Path

If you are parenting a child with prenatal exposure or developmental differences, please hear this: you are not failing or doing anything wrong.

You are navigating challenges most people never see. Some days, simply showing up is the win. Other days, the progress only becomes visible months later.

Our kids are resilient. Their brains are capable of healing in ways that continue to surprise me. And while the four-year-old switch can feel like chaos, it is also the beginning of something new.

A deeper layer of understanding.

A stronger bond.

And a reminder that growth is rarely linear.

Sometimes, it looks like starting over.

That’s ok, as long as we’re starting over together.